a perpetual state of buffering
the last place I thought I would land when they told me to aim for the stars was my bed on a day that means nothing. today means nothing and tomorrow means nothing. I forget this is what it tastes like when sugar dissolves in water. when the only thing to reach for is your name on a screen telling me anything but you will remember me. I don’t have a favorite word, but the shape of your mouth saying goodbye comes close. don’t tell anyone, but the longest distance between me and myself is my reason for living. don’t tell anyone, but I still haven’t reached it.
Ellie Goulding | “Tessellate (Alt-J Cover)”
Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.
How to kill someone;
Hold their hand and then never touch their skin again,
See them nearly everyday and pretend they don’t exist,
Act like everything you ever said to them was a lie.
the itch to move somewhere new is back again